Fire Lies
by MichelleKelly
Summary: Prompt fic. (Trauma, unrequited affection, failure) Drabble. Focuses on Leon's feelings for Ada and his realization of toxicity and unattainability.


Fire Lies

C. Prompts: Leon Kennedy

Prompts: Trauma, Failure, Unrequited affection (pulled on 3/23 AND 7/3/19- same fucking prompts)

She's not even human, but she fucks with my emotions regularly. I've seen her die, more than once and you'd think i'd desensitize to it, but I never do. Everytime my stomach drops, my heart twists. I hardly even know her, but she has a power over me that I can't explain. A power that keeps me from other women, and tears my soul apart. I know well never end up together, but I still try and I can't explain why. She has no feelings for me, no affection, but she manipulates the fact that I do. I can't sever this tie, no matter how hard I try to. I tried to force my interest into other women, but it falls apart quickly, they all find out I'm enamored with someone else and that's it. How did I do this to myself and why can't I break free? Is it a trauma bond? How? she's not even human anymore.

I find myself looking at other women and wondering if my problem is unique. Can other's see it on my face? One night stands are best, fewer questions, less emotions involved. Will I ever get over her? I look into the eyes of others and I see her there, in my dreams, invading my thoughts. Will her death ever be final? Will her final death release me? Or will I forever be caught between mourning and lust?

Cat and mouse. For her it's a game, for me it's torture. I've failed, but I've failed myself shamefully. Which is worse? Only I can stop the torment, but I don't know how. I don't know if I have the strength to cut that bond. She is my greatest weakness, my biggest shame and forever unattainable.

I will find someone else, I continually tell myself, but no other has ever been able to mimic those feelings, the pull of emotions. Even when I try I fail, how do I smooth out my flaws?

Everything I've been through, everything that I've ever done since 98 always comes back to her, she is a central pull in all I've been involved in.

The real Ada is dead, I need to accept that, I need to learn that these copies are not her. They don't have her memories, they didn't have her childhood, but they had her charm, her charisma.

The brunette in the bed even resembles Ada, but I feel nothing when I look at her, not like when I see Ada. I long to have these feelings for someone else, for someone who also cares for me. When will it change? I try to gain affection for other women, and I'll go through hell to save them, but none ever match the excitement I feel when I see her.

I have to develop deep emotions with another woman someday, I have to break this cycle. I have to try harder, and harden myself against what ever Ada has become. It's not easy, but I'm trying. I just wish I had a woman who I loved, and loved me by my side.

Can a woman really love me despite my trauma and flaws? Could a woman accept the things I've done with forgiveness? The people I've killed? And the monsters I've seen? Am I far too flawed? How can I love another when I can't love myself? How do I learn to love myself? How do I heal? Am I worthy of love? Can I be forgiven? Loved? Cherished? adored? Can I be loved like I once loved Ada? Will my existence amount to nothing more than a fleeting memory to be forgotten? Will my life leave an impact?

All these questions and they don't have answers yet. I need to stop drinking, it's a poor coping mechanism, but a legal one. Sex is an equally poor coping mechanism and can have just as devastating consequences. There is an abyss inside my soul and it will never go away. I will be forced to stare into it for the rest of my life with wonder and contempt. Life is a curious thing, at least, if reincarnation exists I'll get another chance to build the life I want rather than what I'm forced into.

AN: I pulled this prompt on one of my last days at Payless, and got the same ones a second time on my first pull since. (for new readers I use 2 shoeboxes with handwritten prompts). This is my first RE story, and my first story with Leon, I'm not used to writing his character so it's hard to write what's in his head. Let me know if you enjoyed it or if I butchered it and if you'd like to 'prompt' more. See you in the next fic XOXOXMK


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